Living with brain cancer from the inside.

Everything is fucked.

Stay positive.

I get admired for my positive outlook, but it’s just like going to the gym.  Fitness doesn’t build itself and staying upbeat is the same thing. Staying positive takes focused, structured practice.  It’s exhausting.  But the alternative is worse. 

Here’s what life was like after brain surgery:  I couldn’t find my body.  I couldn’t think straight.  And I couldn’t put on my own clothes.   

Depressing?  Sure.  Did I worry that my wife would have to dress me for the rest of my life?  Of course.  But spending time worrying about the future is a dead end.  Focus on the now.  List out successes instead of failures and ignore the noise as best you can.  

Each night, I tried to put structure back into my brain by laboriously listing out what went right that day.  Did I knock anything over with my zombie hand?  No?  That’s a win.  Did I sit down in a chair by myself?  Another win.  

Neurological and physical deficits make themselves known to you over and over again.  You can’t pretend they aren’t there and you don’t forget them.  But successes tend to disappear without your attention.  No surprise here:  everything used to come naturally and now nothing works right. Let the 10,000 fails go. They are nothing. Keep reminding yourself of the successes and list them out before going to bed. The successes drive you forward and they leave all the failures in the past.

It’s worth repeating: celebrate success.  It’s part of how you re-teach the brain how to work again.  You are re-training, re-purposing, and re-growing the stuff you need.  Don’t reinforce failure.  Celebrate success.

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